The Magic Leprechaun

By Tommy Fagin

Edited by Tommy Fagin and Wills McWilliams

Once upon a time, there was a leper who was known by some as Seymour, and

others as "Mr. Roboto". He will be referred to as "the leper”, just because it is

dehumanizing, and it is easier to put that than Seymour, which is quite long for a first

name. He will be the focus of the story, but you probably already guessed that. You also

probably guessed that Mr. Roboto... err, the leper is a man.

This leper had always wanted a leprechaun, just because they were cool. He always

fantasized about their little jigs, and their infectious way of saying things... they were

green, too! They also had lucky charms, and tons of gold. Every night, this leper would

pray to Buddha, Allah, and several other Eastern deities as well; for a leprechaun.

His wish was never fulfilled, and he eventually grew bitter and limbless.

Then one day, he walked into the forest, where his family sent him to collect

berries with a basket hung on his arm-stub. He was going about his stubby business,

when he spotted some green. He didn't think much of it, because he was in a forest. So

naturally there are trees and such. When this green began to do a funky jig and hand out

charms and gold, the leper still thought nothing of it, because this leper was rather dumb.

He began to have a nagging suspicion that something was amiss when the leper was

slapped quite hard across the face with a smallish hand, covered in red hair. Then, it was

if the voice of angels started falling from the sky as it spoke.

'" I was handing out candy and charms there for a full five minutes! Why didn't

you come over, you..." The rest of the leprechauns "statement" cannot be repeated but it

will suffice to say that after hearing it, the leper's ear began to decay significantly faster

than the rest of his face.

"Err... I was on the moon... with Steve" The leper couldn't finish his blithering

lie before he was slapped rather hard again, on the other side of his face.

"Ewww... I got all this skin on me... sickie" he added this last word under his

breath, but the leper still heard him

"Anyhoo, I'm a leprechaun, as you might have noticed" after saying this, he

passed out. When the leprechaun came to thirty seconds later, and an awkward

silence ensued.

"Hmmmmm..." the leper hummed.

"Stott" the leprechaun blathered.

"What did you say? What does stott mean?"

"It's when you go in to the kitchen and you don't know what you came in there

for."

"Oh. How is that contextual?"

"I don't really know. Ok! Back to the whole leprechaun bit! I'll give you three

wishes! "

"Three? Why three?"

"Three is just the standard, ok! Now, down to business, what do you want?

“I want rhymes!" The leper blurted.

Instantly he was endowed with the finest phunkadelic abilities this side of South

Central. As he defiantly crossed his arms and busted out some sick rhymes, the

leprechaun asked again.

"What is your next wish?"

"I want to be able to break dance... and I wanna be a pirate~!"

"Why a pirate?"

"They have peg legs, eye patches, and the like."

"Do you want to be an irate pirate?" said the Leprechaun with a barely contained

snigger.

"Ha ha ha... not funny.”

A snap of the fingers and a finely choreographed jig later, he was on a

ship, under the skull & crossbones, busting a move on a cardboard box. He

wormed, popped, and everything of that sort.

"What's your last wish?" Inquired the leprechaun incredulously.

"I want to finally be rid of this horrible ailment! Do you see this wart? Right

there, beside where my pancreas used to be...? Yeah, that really bugs me

when it gets too hot. Off with it, eh?"

The leprechaun could not believe his ears.

"Are you kidding?" He asked with an air of undying, passionate hate in his voice

"No, it really bugs me. Why do you ask?"

"Err... well, you have no arms, and you walk with a peg leg."

"That's part of the whole pirate shtick."

"Ah, I see, but you have a horrible infectious disease all over your body, you're a

mess."

"That's what makes me a pirate, it's part of the whole routine."

"No, pirates are usually intact, except for the peg legs and eye patches."

As the leprechaun was saying this, the leper's eye fell out.

"Well, hold on; let me pop this back in. Do you have any tape? No? Just as well." He

crammed the eye back in, but not without getting some dirt stains on it. "Three

second rule. Anyhoo, pirates are only cool because they are so disfigured,

that's why I fit the bill. Yet, this wart will prevent me from looking my sexy

best. (As he said this, his finger that he used to point meaningfully broke off)

Also, I can break dance! Now if you will excuse me, I have an appointment

with the Pope!"

"You didn't get your third wish!"

"Oh yeah, off with it then!"

Instantly, the wart was gone. As the leper whipped out a pocket mirror, he looked

approvingly at what the leprechaun had done.

"Very nice."

He adjusted some loose flesh around his eye, and he was off in a dazzling display

of rapping, break dancing, and pirateyness.

The leper, who became known, at least for a day, as Seymour, when he

worked at the White Castle grill for a short time. That, as you might imagine,

did not work out. Eventually, he died, but not before proving that lepers can be

cool too. After all, who doesn't like a diseased, break dancing, rapping, and

lest we forget, unbelievably wartless leper?

~Fin~